Since viewing Bambi for the first time at a young age and bawling my eyes out, I’ve tried my damnedest to live my life consistently by — and rarely compromising — the maxim, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Doing so often leaves me chewing my tongue to prevent it from spilling an inappropriate comment at an inopportune moment. However, in my twenty-odd years of doing this, I’m sometimes consumed by the need to speak, maxim and manners be damned, else run the risk of chewing off my tongue and choking to death on it. Thus, to avoid complicating further the life of the person closest to me via my own untimely and needlessly self-afflicted death, I must unload my emotions, Thumper be damned.
All relationships, be they intimate, personal, or familial, are subject to conflict. Conflict stems from disagreement based upon personal perception of the workings of the partnership, home, world, or any combination thereof. Personal perception amounts to opinion and opinions are far from ambiguous, especially if considered worth fighting for. People are often resolute in their beliefs, having amassed a great deal of first-hand experience to support their assertions; hence, the potential for the arousal of conflict in an otherwise intimate working relationship.
But what happens when the source of conflict is an unknown x? Is not verbal sparring a way of expressing opinion, of voicing the rhyme and reason for disagreeing, of attempting to convince the party to which you speak that, though they may not necessarily be wrong, you are more correct than they? What happens when, rather than being based upon rational and well-considered conjecture, conflict is based in contradictory and malicious intent?
Though this may seem to be a series of rhetorical questions, that is not the case. Behold the power of the parent and the abuse of said power. Reading the first linked post carefully, one cannot help but notice the obvious: missing is any discernible motive for such malice and anger. I…
I’m too upset at this point to possibly maintain the façade of coherency that, somehow, I’ve kept up to this moment. Thus, I shall drive swiftly to the points I wish to make and close my argument before I say anything that I may regret with time. Compromising a personal maxim or no, I shall not stoop to the level of the person I have issue with through the statement of unsupported and hurtful rhetoric.
Anger must be justified and explainable. Lashing out suddenly and without provocation eliminates the possibility of any meaningful discourse taking place and destroys any hope of satisfactory resolution. In the absence of any plausible or significant motive, people attacked in this fashion will typically approach the transgressor, cautiously asking for clarification as to why they’ve been attacked. The attacker, at this point in time, will often choose the coward’s exit, which doubles also as an opportunity to spew further vitriol, citing “if you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you.” Translation? She has no clue herself and, even if she did, has no desire to reach a resolution for she is in a position of power.
Expectations must be voiced and consistent. Human beings are not capable of reading minds as a literate person may read a book. Consistency in expectation leads to consistency in action and, in the event of inaction or inappropriate action, consistency in the execution of punitive measures with the intent of nurturing responsibility in the individual. Not voicing or inconsistently enforcing expectations is similar to having an ill-equipped person run across a minefield; the most likely result is an injured person.
Finally, independence is not a negative trait. How being independent translates to being “selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful and self-centred” is beyond me. Leaving home… what better ode to good parenting, what better tribute from a grown child to a nurturing parent can there possibly be, than the happiness and success sufficient to exist beyond the boundaries of the home? Independence should not be reviled, particularly by the parent of an outstanding child; it is to be lauded.
Matt, you totally took the words out of my mouth.
Words fail me as well.
Char and I both just feel hopeful that this will resolve… not itself, but somehow.
As seen on Amy’s site, you can always get away here.