Off By One

It’s funny how subtle things can bring memories… or at least fuzzy, vague recollections, trickling back into the foreground.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I have few clear memories of my life before leaving Grande Prairie. It’s not much of a stretch for me to claim that I only really ever became a whole person once the last vestiges of that place were stripped from me and I stepped out into the world anew. This isn’t to say I’m the best at the social interaction thing as it is. I can see from my relationships now that I still carry some of the baggage of what was, easily, the worst way I can imagine anyone having to grow up barring famine or warfare.

Thanks to the all-powerful Facebook, it so happens that I’m reliving some of the … less pleasant parts of my life so far, albeit with only one clear memory to act as an avatar of all of the unpleasantness.

(continue reading…)

It’s been a thought tickling around in the back of my brain, but a post about finding a friend thought lost by a good friend of mine (Jebus, that’s a construct and a half. Note to self: Simpler sentences!) got me thinking about it a bit more.

I’ve never been one for many friendships. The people whom I consider to be my friends are infinitely precious to me, as a product of both their individual merits and their scarcity. As it is, I don’t see enough of the people that matter to me, so I clutch those moments close.

However, over the course of my life, I’ve let go of, or been let go by, a few friends.

Farthest back was Daniel, a kid across the street in Clairmont. It was a typical 6-year-old’s lament — his parents moved away. Looking back, I suspect that I was more “into it” than he was, setting a pattern that I believe holds even today, although to a lesser extent as I become more selective in my associations.

There’s a scattering of loose acquaintances throughout elementary and junior high, but the only friends I really had during those years (that I can remember, of course) were Cody and Eric, neither of whom had anything to do with my school life. Cody was a farm kid, something of a troublemaker. I remember his dad’s house was the coolest place in the world, and the barn was the only place I’ve ever been scared of the dark. I remember some filthy-minded conversations, stealing our respective parents’ porn, and the fact that it was a friend of his that introduced me to Elfquest. It was also at his birthday party (13th, I think) that I played the most lascivious game of Truth or Dare that I can remember… Ah, Kate. Never meant to be, I think, but it was fun I was 14, at the time. Last I heard, Cody was working at a gas station in GP, but that was at least seven years ago.

Eric… How to explain Eric? This was the first friendship I ever flat-out ended. Eric could be a good guy, but mostly he was… Well, I didn’t like the person I was when he was around. It’s hard to quantify. He did some bad things to someone that was a close family friend, and that more or less ended things right there. I’m curious where he’s at, now. I haven’t heard anything about him in years. I can only hope that, flawed as his father may have been, he takes after dad and not his mother.

Dennis and DJ — Never really close. See Daniel, above, for the nature of this friendship. Still, they were good guys. I’ve bumped into both of them a couple of times since graduating, and I gather they’re doing well. It’s been probably five years since I saw either of them, but I still wonder.

Ryan was a pain in the ass. We lived together for a while, but he was … well, he was like me, sans moral compass. Which is not to say I was perfect those days, either, but all the same, I had an idea that some of the things I was doing were wrong. When it came to respect for others’ property, he’s about as low as it goes.

Shaun was one of my oldest friends. From a common interest in Dungeons and Dragons, through years of geekly association, we were friends for almost a decade. We kind of drifted apart. He lives in Edmonton here, last time I heard he was working for Telus, and has possibly as many as two children. I don’t know what happened, to be honest. First we were friends, then we were not. It was a weird enough situation that I still (to this day) am not 100% sure that it wasn’t him that destroyed my apartment in GP.

Now that I’m in Edmonton, there’s been a veritable whirlwind of brief friendships, barely quickened from mere acquaintances. So many people in a bar crowd stand out for a moment, maybe flirt, maybe hang out, maybe sleep together, and then they recede into the morass. I’m thinking Lindsey, Jess, Candace (Amber, I suppose), Shane, Andi…

I know that some of these have meant more to me than they did to the other person. I find myself constantly fighting the urge to call and cling to the friends I have — I know that people have social obligations that take more time than mine do — having a small circle of friends will lead to that. Still, I like the people in this group now.

Time will tell, of course. It always does.

I was going to write about my evening last night with a few really good friends, involving mainly hockey, insanely hot wings, bowling, pool, and beer. But upon browsing my daily blog collection, I figured I’d meta-comment on this instead.

Although the timeframe is a bit extended, I think that I can really identlfy with the theme of the post, if not the specific details of it. I can remember spending much of my earlier life striving with all I had to be whatever it took to get people to like me. I would do anything asked of me, if I thought it had any hope whatsoever of making people appreciate me.

As years went by, though, as opposed to specifically “finding myself,” rather I ended up becoming more and more cynical about human nature and the world around me. I didn’t so much find myself as determine in more detail and breadth what i didn’t want to be. This, of course, is not the same thing at all.

It seems to me that I had two watershed events in my life occur at more or less the same time, though, that combined to really give me … not direction, because I was still rudderless for some time after that, but I guess you could call it hope. Not for life, because life itself was still pretty harsh on me, but more that I would come to be somebody that was independent and able to build a self without reference to the expectations of others. So for that, I have Amanda and (ironically) moving to Edmonton to thank.

Over the years since then, I’ve gone through a lot. A failed engagement, and another failed relationship that bears no further mention here. I’ve tried (and failed repeatedly) to get back into school. I’ve worked jobs that sucked, and jobs that sucked more. I’ve diversified my tastes in art and focused my passion for computers. I have met and become friends with the best people I have hever had in my life, save for the few who predate my move to Edmonton.

And more importanly, I have become (mostly) comfortable with who I am. I realize that the way I think does not make many people happy, or comfortable. Nor does the way I confront issues that are dear to me. And I just don’t care anymore. I will deal with the world on my own terms, and I feel confident that for the most part I’ll do so because that’s who I am, not who I think others want me to be.

It’s a good feeling.

(It’s also worth repeating (over and over and over and over again) that Char is at fault for much of the good in my life too, in case anyone thought that I was ignoring her)

I had a peculiarly disappointing day yesterday. Not the whole day, but a part of it really shook my faith in the ability of people to grow in a positive direction.

I took a bit of time to look up one of my old classmates, call him D for the sake of anonymity. D was one of the people that i attended school with from the beginning through to grad, and I remember always having a fair amount of respect for his native intelligence. We were never great friends, but he wasn’t one of my principal tormentors either.

Now, D has a pretty good life — he’s getting married, owns a business — which I was happy to see. However, he also believes that the world is young, it was made some excessively short time ago at the behest of a supernatural entity, carbon dating is a sham, evolution is wrong (note, not “Natural Selection is wrong” — I got told that natural selection works fine, evolution doesn’t) and, well, you get the idea.

I hate to lose respect for someone like that. But all of the residual respect that I once had is gone now, and I’m left with a feeling of profound disappointment.

As has been posted to char’s weblog in the near past, I’m back in GP for the week. It’s kind of interesting - i’ve been going out of my way to be a bit more sociable than i usually am on these visits, and oddly enough, I’m liking it.

Which is, given my antipathy to the place, fairly peculiar in and of itself.

Anyway, Just a post to keep people aware that no, i’m not dead.

And yes, my dad is doing fine.

Schlepped up to see the parental units this weekend, bringing Char and Simon along with me, with every intention of adding several pounds to my frame.

Thanksgiving is the shit

The visit was nice. Grande Prairie never really gets any better for me, but it sure does get bigger. It’s still full of the same people as always, even though they often have different names and faces, and bigger trucks than before. It’s not really my favourite place. Can you tell?

Since i was only in town for a weekend, i didn’t really get hold of anyone outside the immediate family. So, if any reader is irked that i did not call them, um, well, i was sick (cough) and never really felt well enough to talk at all. And that’s no lie - i was laryngitic for most of the weekend.

Speaking of which… Colds suxor

Right now, though, i’m listening to some really nice neoclassical stuff that Sarah and Donald, the DJs at the club i work at, burned for me to check out. It’s pretty nice. Very easy to listen to, very pleasant.

Hope thanksgiving was good for all of you, too.

…

Oh…

And, (john?!) the pics from the wedding will be up at such time as i have any of them. No scanned pics have made it my way yet, and i don’t have a working scanner anymore. So, to readers w/ wedding pics, get that shit in the mail to me!

I attended the wedding of one of my best friends this weekend… I hadn’t posted on it sooner, simply because i wasn’t quite sure what i should say on the subject. Amanda was - and is - one of the best people i’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. She brought more happiness into my life in the one year that we were together than most people have ever managed - and the exceptions are notable in their scarcity, and i’m sure that they know who they are. Our time together is still a source of happy memories and occasional nostalgic regrets.

So, it was with no small amount of trepidation that i went to attend her wedding to Greg (i suppose i should learn his last name, huh?) at five-mile hall in Grande Prairie this weekend. I didn’t really know what i would feel, nor was i really sure that i belonged there.

What i did feel was, oddly enough, pretty much unmixed, unalloyed happiness for Amanda. As far as i can recall, not a twinge of jealousy, not even one. I saw her take the vows that i had once thought would be to me and could barely contain tears of happiness for her. I guess, in the end, although i still love her, and i always will, her happiness is what makes me happy.

The rest of the wedding was a bit of a surprise, too. There is a whole circle of friends that i know through - or related to - Amanda, and i haven’t really kept up with any of them over they years. I suspect now that my distancing myself from them - specifically Peggy - was a side effect of the pain of losing Amanda, since my associations with that were so strong, and when she left me, it coloured all of my memories of that time with a layer of hurt.. It’s really my loss, because i also remember Peggy being one of the nicest people i knew, and it’s obvious from the wedding that some things, at any rate, don’t change.

The surprise was mostly, though, in how little i felt out of place. I was concerned - and rightly so, it turns out - that i wouldn’t know anybody at the wedding except members of the bridal party, so i was a bit worried that i’d end up sitting in a corner brooding, talking to Char and nobody else all evening - not that talking to Char is a bad thing! Instead, i ended up meeting a couple of very nice couples, and a few individuals with whom Char and i chatted through the whole dinner. I can thank Amy and Clare (I haven’t the slightest idea how to spell his name, so that’s probably wrong) for starting it off, and then Christie and Scott and Sylvie(a?) and Anthony who joined us later. It was a good night, and there were good people there.

I also had the good fortune of stealing the first dance with Amanda, something that i think surprised her only a little bit more than it did Char

Anyway, Amanda, if you read this at all - and from Pegs’ comment on the math line, i know you’ve at least seen it - be well, and like the card says, seek to bring love into each others’ days for all of them.

I’m writing this entry from the house i pretty much grew up in, up in Grande Prairie. It still looks nearly 100% the same, cosmetic differences aside. I mean, furniture is arranged a bit differently, and the damned dog’s piss has killed half the back yard, but little has changed.

So, i’m back. Yeah, only for a weekend, and i’ve been back before, but this time is a bit different. I’m back to see an ending and a beginning, and a good thing in all, in the wedding of one of my best friends, and one of the most special people that’ve ever been part of my life. So, i’m doing a lot of reflecting. And then, talking to Terra, whose name i probably just misspelled, about the years that have passed since i last lived here… Just one of those nostalgic weekends.

Bah. I’m going nowhere with this, so i’m going to stop talking. Just this: Hold on to your past, folks. Sometimes, just maybe, it does ya good to keep it.

Cheers.

I’m getting old.

Either that or growing up. Sometimes the difference between the two isn’t all that clear, is it? This isn’t a new thought, admittedly. I’ve gone over this through a couple of other times in my life, but this evening is one of the first times i ever really thought the idea through. It’s funny that a fairly empty retro-comedy would be the spur for this, though…

So, Char and I watched Detroit Rock City tonight. Surprisingly good film, that. Against my expectations, i enjoyed it immensely. After the film was done, though, and i’d tucked Char into bed for the night, i was washing the dishes and thinking back to myself at that pseudo-age. I say pseudo-age because i never really hit that particular stage until about 19 years old. Disaffected, bitter, angsty… All the usual teenager clichés. Late bloomer, i guess.

My thoughts turned to another teen road trip movie. The Doom Generation. I’m sitting there, scrubbing the breadpan that Char cooked us Nachos in, and it struck me that movies, and indeed outlooks, like that no longer really apply to me anymore. I’m past it. When I first saw that film, it neatly captured the hate and hopelessness that i felt was the birthright of anybody that saw the world differently. Now, well, i think back to the contents of the movie, and i feel that i wouldn’t get anything out of it anymore. I’m not the same person as the one who watched and identified with that life.

I’m happier now. I don’t really have the same reasons to be bitter as i used to. I have a woman who loves me, and whom i love. I have a great family. I have some of the best friends a person could ever ask for. I don’t feel a need to escape, or to vent. The poisonous past has, at last, loosed its grip on me, and i’m generally moving on from the mistakes i’ve made.

Oh, it’s not like i’m not angry at the way that the world around me works. People still consistently fail to live up to, if not my expectations, at least my standards. I don’t think that’s ever gonna change. Not while i’m alive, at any rate. But, bit-by-bit, my little slice of the world has become more amenable.

And i’m getting older. Perhaps even wiser. Certainly calmer.