Off By One

Having made a fairly big deal out of my loner tendencies a couple of months back, it’s weird to be feeling as I do.

I had a conversation recently with a really good friend where they asked me what the point was to a serious monogamous relationship, if sometimes you still crave variety or are not always perfectly happy with what you have. At the time, I didn’t really know how to answer, so all I could say then was that it was a guarantee of safety. Knowing that when I got home, my life wouldn’t have turned to shit while I was out. This is a personal history thing, and obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I was at a bit of a loss as to what else I could say.

Until this week.

It’s funny. I am, beyond a doubt, a very private person at home. I’m comfortable spending hours in front of my computer doing little more than being away from everyone and everything.

But, this week so far, I’m finding that I’m not wanting to come home. The house just isn’t right, and I knew why even on Saturday.

I miss having Char here.

Even if we’re not doing something in the same room, or even if we’re fighting about something, it feels right to know that she’s here, and that — if I wanted to — I could just walk up the stairs and talk to her. This week, though, I haven’t had that comfort, and I can feel a difference.

So, as to how this relates to monogamy and all that other rot…

I have something so good here that even a week of it being gone feels unnatural and empty. This is no more “my’” house than, I imagine, it would be “Hers.” Rather, it’s ours, and so is everything else that I’ve gained in the years Char’s been with me. The idea of trading that in for a string of entertaining, but ultimately unsatisfying ‘partners’… Well, I’d have to be insane.

I think that I’ve failed to accurately convey my feelings here, but I suppose the limit of my wordsmithing has been reached.

I attended the wedding of one of my best friends this weekend… I hadn’t posted on it sooner, simply because i wasn’t quite sure what i should say on the subject. Amanda was - and is - one of the best people i’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. She brought more happiness into my life in the one year that we were together than most people have ever managed - and the exceptions are notable in their scarcity, and i’m sure that they know who they are. Our time together is still a source of happy memories and occasional nostalgic regrets.

So, it was with no small amount of trepidation that i went to attend her wedding to Greg (i suppose i should learn his last name, huh?) at five-mile hall in Grande Prairie this weekend. I didn’t really know what i would feel, nor was i really sure that i belonged there.

What i did feel was, oddly enough, pretty much unmixed, unalloyed happiness for Amanda. As far as i can recall, not a twinge of jealousy, not even one. I saw her take the vows that i had once thought would be to me and could barely contain tears of happiness for her. I guess, in the end, although i still love her, and i always will, her happiness is what makes me happy.

The rest of the wedding was a bit of a surprise, too. There is a whole circle of friends that i know through - or related to - Amanda, and i haven’t really kept up with any of them over they years. I suspect now that my distancing myself from them - specifically Peggy - was a side effect of the pain of losing Amanda, since my associations with that were so strong, and when she left me, it coloured all of my memories of that time with a layer of hurt.. It’s really my loss, because i also remember Peggy being one of the nicest people i knew, and it’s obvious from the wedding that some things, at any rate, don’t change.

The surprise was mostly, though, in how little i felt out of place. I was concerned - and rightly so, it turns out - that i wouldn’t know anybody at the wedding except members of the bridal party, so i was a bit worried that i’d end up sitting in a corner brooding, talking to Char and nobody else all evening - not that talking to Char is a bad thing! Instead, i ended up meeting a couple of very nice couples, and a few individuals with whom Char and i chatted through the whole dinner. I can thank Amy and Clare (I haven’t the slightest idea how to spell his name, so that’s probably wrong) for starting it off, and then Christie and Scott and Sylvie(a?) and Anthony who joined us later. It was a good night, and there were good people there.

I also had the good fortune of stealing the first dance with Amanda, something that i think surprised her only a little bit more than it did Char

Anyway, Amanda, if you read this at all - and from Pegs’ comment on the math line, i know you’ve at least seen it - be well, and like the card says, seek to bring love into each others’ days for all of them.