Off By One

So, i’m sitting on the couches in the bridge between buildings 5 and 6 yesterday, and listening to some guy go on - loudly and at length - about how he thinks stupid people are a waste, and how funny he’s found it when someone he thinks is stupid gets fired, or humiliated, or mistreated…

And so, i wonder.

In what way am i a better person than this loud, abrasive, offensive man?

This isn’t a trivial question to me… I know in my mind that i’m different from him. Nonetheless, my opinions are similar on the surface, and probably seem as unpleasant to the casual listener. I am loud, i am abrasive, and i am offensive - at least my opinions frequently are.

I guess the only thing that comes to mind is that i don’t seek pleasure in the misfortunes of others. I’ve got a better understanding than most of the painful aftereffects of verbal and emotional abuse, so i’m a bit more sympathetic to the plight of the underdog. So, i’m less inclined to mock and ridicule those for whom i have no respect. Note, i say less, not un-.

But i’m not sure that’s enough to differentiate me. And that scares me a bit, because i don’t want to be the sort of person that i felt that man was.

I’m going to watch myself carefully, i think, and see if i can figure out what, if any, differences there are between us.

I’m getting old.

Either that or growing up. Sometimes the difference between the two isn’t all that clear, is it? This isn’t a new thought, admittedly. I’ve gone over this through a couple of other times in my life, but this evening is one of the first times i ever really thought the idea through. It’s funny that a fairly empty retro-comedy would be the spur for this, though…

So, Char and I watched Detroit Rock City tonight. Surprisingly good film, that. Against my expectations, i enjoyed it immensely. After the film was done, though, and i’d tucked Char into bed for the night, i was washing the dishes and thinking back to myself at that pseudo-age. I say pseudo-age because i never really hit that particular stage until about 19 years old. Disaffected, bitter, angsty… All the usual teenager clichés. Late bloomer, i guess.

My thoughts turned to another teen road trip movie. The Doom Generation. I’m sitting there, scrubbing the breadpan that Char cooked us Nachos in, and it struck me that movies, and indeed outlooks, like that no longer really apply to me anymore. I’m past it. When I first saw that film, it neatly captured the hate and hopelessness that i felt was the birthright of anybody that saw the world differently. Now, well, i think back to the contents of the movie, and i feel that i wouldn’t get anything out of it anymore. I’m not the same person as the one who watched and identified with that life.

I’m happier now. I don’t really have the same reasons to be bitter as i used to. I have a woman who loves me, and whom i love. I have a great family. I have some of the best friends a person could ever ask for. I don’t feel a need to escape, or to vent. The poisonous past has, at last, loosed its grip on me, and i’m generally moving on from the mistakes i’ve made.

Oh, it’s not like i’m not angry at the way that the world around me works. People still consistently fail to live up to, if not my expectations, at least my standards. I don’t think that’s ever gonna change. Not while i’m alive, at any rate. But, bit-by-bit, my little slice of the world has become more amenable.

And i’m getting older. Perhaps even wiser. Certainly calmer.

This is directed mostly towards anyone that knows me personally, which is, last time i checked, anyone who reads this site - it’s not like i have a broad readership.

I’ve been trying to figure out why i’m so short-tempered of late. This isn’t a new thing, but i kind of had it brought home to me how serious it was just this morning. I’ve been snappy, touchy, and generally suspicious of the motivations of someone whom i should be implicitly trustful of, and it’s not fair to her. So, now i want to figure out why.

It’s shitty being asked by the one you love why you “hate her all the time” - it kind of brings it into focus, where before i was seeing only my side of the story. I haven’t been there for Char the way i should have been, and i think that’s a big part of the problem now. i know that i’m a bit of a recluse - my favourite place is right where i am - sitting in front of my computers. What i have to adjust to is that there’s now a better use of my time, and treat her accordingly.

So why am i so damn touchy? You people all know me… Help me out. I think i need some advice on this score before i do irreparable damage to the best thing i have in my life. If this is more serious than i’d thought, i may owe more than one person an apology.

I’m sick of being an asshole. I’d really rather stop.