My best-laid plans

Filed under: Humour, Internet and Media

Well, to the mildly obsessive-compulsive amongst you, or to the pop-culture archaeologists, I am so, so sorry to do this:

TV Tropes is the biggest timesink I have ever encountered. I recommend starting with shout outs or Jossed or, perhaps, a favourite show.

I’ve done just about nothing in the last two days but read this damned site. It even references Girl Genius!

Classified: Funny

Filed under: Humour and Internet

Apropos of nothing, here’s a few funny Craigslist postings, culled from Metafilter:

Hey, Crackhead

Cement Block, $1

Thank You Donkey Porn

$772,000 a year, and still lonely (mirrored on Jezebel because it was deleted)

I Have a Hot Tub

Why Doesn’t He Want Me

Of course you could just read the original Metafilter thread…

Also

Filed under: Humour

In a much sillier vein: Fat cat in a short coat

Additionally

Filed under: Humour and Internet

The Midwest Teen Sex Show is freakin’ excellent, even though I’m neither in the midwest, nor a teen.

Universal Spam Solution Critique

Filed under: Humour and Internet

Because I’ve recently read the tragic news that a Russian spam baron was found dead under suspicious circumstances, and because that’s probably not a good long-term solution to the problem, I bring you:

The universal spam solution critique

Your company advocates a

( ) technical ( ) legislative ( ) market-based ( ) vigilante

approach to fighting spam. Your idea will not work. Here is why it won’t work. (One or more of the following may apply to your particular idea, and it may have other flaws which used to vary from state to state before a bad federal law was passed.)

( ) Spammers can easily use it to harvest email addresses
( ) Mailing lists and other legitimate email uses would be affected
( ) No one will be able to find the guy or collect the money
( ) It is defenseless against brute force attacks
( ) It will stop spam for two weeks and then we'll be stuck with it
( ) Users of email will not put up with it
( ) Microsoft will not put up with it
( ) The police will not put up with it
( ) Requires too much cooperation from spammers
( ) Requires immediate total cooperation from everybody at once
( ) Many email users cannot afford to lose business or alienate potential employers
( ) Spammers don't care about invalid addresses in their lists
( ) Anyone could anonymously destroy anyone else's career or business

Specifically, your plan fails to account for

( ) Laws expressly prohibiting it
( ) Lack of centrally controlling authority for email
( ) Open relays in foreign countries
( ) Ease of searching tiny alphanumeric address space of all email addresses
( ) Asshats
( ) Jurisdictional problems
( ) Unpopularity of weird new taxes
( ) Public reluctance to accept weird new forms of money
( ) Huge existing software investment in SMTP
( ) Susceptibility of protocols other than SMTP to attack
( ) Willingness of users to install OS patches received by email
( ) Armies of worm riddled broadband-connected Windows boxes
( ) Eternal arms race involved in all filtering approaches
( ) Extreme profitability of spam
( ) Joe jobs and/or identity theft
( ) Technically illiterate politicians
( ) Extreme stupidity on the part of people who do business with spammers
( ) Extreme stupidity on the part of people who do business with Microsoft
( ) Extreme stupidity on the part of people who do business with Yahoo
( ) Dishonesty on the part of spammers themselves
( ) Bandwidth costs that are unaffected by client filtering
( ) Outlook

and the following philosophical objections may also apply:

( ) Ideas similar to yours are easy to come up with, yet none have ever been shown practical
( ) Any scheme based on opt-out is unacceptable
( ) SMTP headers should not be the subject of legislation
( ) Blacklists suck
( ) Whitelists suck
( ) We should be able to talk about Viagra without being censored
( ) Countermeasures should not involve wire fraud or credit card fraud
( ) Countermeasures should not involve sabotage of public networks
( ) Countermeasures must work if phased in gradually
( ) Sending email should be free
( ) Why should we have to trust you and your servers?
( ) Incompatiblity with open source or open source licenses
( ) Feel-good measures do nothing to solve the problem
( ) Temporary/one-time email addresses are cumbersome
( ) I don't want the government reading my email
( ) Killing them that way is not slow and painful enough

Furthermore, this is what I think about you:

( ) Sorry dude, but I don't think it would work.
( ) This is a stupid idea, and you're a stupid company for suggesting it.
( ) Nice try, assh0le! I'm going to find out where you live and burn your house down! 

Oh, wow.

Filed under: Humour and Internet

ICBM.

Thank you, MetaFilter.

If you’re an internet forum reader of any kind, watch it to the end.

Seen today in the news

Filed under: Humour and Media

I wish I had the memory required to make this a regular feature: I’ve been wanting to do periodic highlights of things I’ve seen in the newspaper that chafed me, or amused me, or really need to be seen. However, the facts that I a) do not have an electronic Journal subscription and b) forget to post them by the time I get to a computer, have prevented this.

Until now.

Seen in the news today:

UFOs hold key to climate: ex-minister

In short, Paul Hellyer, a former defense minister under Lester Pearson, has called for governments around the world to disclose all alien technology that they’ve accumulated over the years from crashed UFOs, in order to resolve climate change.

Yay, democracy.

Also:

Filed under: Asides and Humour

Recursive Epigrams Can Unfortunately Result in Silly, Idly Vexatious Entertainment.

That is all.

Obscenity is Fun!

Filed under: Asides and Humour

It’s a good sign, if you ask me, when your christmas gift comes with a letter like this one (boldface text highlighted by Matt):

As requested in a letter from your client, Mr. Chris Staros, dated October 3, 2006, please be advised that I have now completed my review of the goods, namely a boxed set of three graphic novels, entitled Lost Girls. The three graphic novels were reviewed in full, and were found not to fall within the provisions of Customs Tariff item 9899.00.00.

This boxed set was found to contain depictions and descriptions of incest and bestiality, which are indicators of obscenity under current Canada Border Services Agency guidelines. However, these depictions and descriptions are integral to the development of an intricate, imaginative and artfully rendered storyline. When considering the “internal necessities” test, it appears that, in this instance, the portrayal of sex is necessary to a wider artistic and literary purpose. As a result, it is my opinion that this boxed set does not constitute obscenity.

The boxed set was also found to contain depictions and descriptions of sexual acts involving persons under the age of 18. However, it would appear that these representations serve a legitimate purpose related to art and to the very detailed story about the sexual awakening and development of the three main female characters. Furthermore, it is my opinion that this item does not pose an undue risk of harm to persons under the age of 18 years. As a result, it is my opinion that this boxed set does not constitute child pornography.

As the boxed set entitled Lost Girls does not constitute obscenity or child pornography, it does not fall within the provisions of tariff item 9899.00.00. Its importation into Canada is therefore allowed.

I’ve already read the “boxed set entitled Lost Girls,” and it’s pretty impressive. Good writing, although it could have done without the last page and a half of book three, which was just wankery of a different sort, if you ask me, but other than that it was a lot better than I expected. It really was erotica, as opposed to pornography.

I would recommend it, but… well, truth be told I’m not sure many of you reading this would enjoy it. It’s pretty bent in some places, and really does have to be read in its entirety to appreciate it.

Found on the Internets

Filed under: Humour and Internet

Amazingly enough, despite the fact that he talks like he’s got a mouthful of marbles, Sylvester Stallone makes an excellent interviewee… by email, at least.

Ain’t it Cool News has a long series consisting of fans asking Sly questions, and some of the answers are just comedy gold, and not because I’m laughing at him, because I’m laughing with him, at the questioners.

You’ll have to check out the whole set, but here’s a sample answer:

Please reconsider writing your autobiography! If not, would you consider writing a sequel to ‘Sly Moves’ which would focus primarily on mental health & attitude instead of physical health? I’m picturing a Stallone version of ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’ - what do you think?

curiousvinnie Mahwah, NJ

Thank you very much. I’m flattered that you think I’m a candidate for stable mental health. But the truth be known, I am insane with long, horrible fits of sanity. Now, if you can make insanity work for you, that’s actually called creativity. If you can’t, that’s called a menace to society. Thank you.

Find the rest:

Round One
Round Two
Round Three
Round Four
Round Five
Round Six
Round Seven
Round Eight
Rounds Nine and Ten
Round Eleven
Round Twelve
Round Thirteen

Can’t say that you’ll read them all, but there are some gems in there.

(PS - apologies for the silly quote layout; I’ll be fixing that sometime soon)